The hottest app in town is called Rand. It’s like Uber, but for photos of you and Rand Paul.
The app, released earlier today, includes a meme generator, a selfie booth, videos, news, a button labeled “Chip in five bucks now!” and a series of inquiries about your opinions on decisions made by the Obama administration.
This app does almost nothing to cool my frustration with how so many GOP candidates are hell-bent on marketing themselves as approachable to youths by crudely mimicking internet culture (and avoiding answering questions about issues that are important to them).
Rand — the person, not the app — also felt the need to explain to the world how they might conduct a search in the app store, which sort of rubbed me the wrong way, as a person who has been taking logical procedural action to complete everyday tasks for much of her life.
The app is also, as Ralphie would say, just “a crummy commercial.”
Yes, in the story of my relationship with Rand Paul, his decision to release this app is not exactly a high point. But it’s not the lowest point either.
For an example of a lower point, see this fucking stupid tweet:
Times like these, I feel as if Rand Paul has never been with me or women like me. As if in the sands of time, only one set of footprints rest where there should be two. But when I look back at life — through the lens of Rand; the app, not the person — I see Rand was in fact carrying me all along.
Remember when you went with me and grandma to the Seneca Park Zoo in 1996? That was back when they still had wolves, remember that, Rand?
Or how about the time that you came to my high school graduation and gave a hearty round of applause after a speech in which I identified myself as a socialist? Thanks for making the trip, Rand!
Ah, do you recall the selfie taken in the bathroom of the first bar I got into using a fake ID? That was truly a night to remember. We look awesome. And so #young!
Rand, I bet you didn’t even know that I kept this pic of us, but that’s you and me at our first One Direction concert! What an important day — and hairstyle phase! — for us both. Thanks for holding my hand through “Story of My Life.” You’re a real class act.
Here’s to us Rand, and many more memories to come. We’ve survived the following tweet so we can survive anything.
Every love story is a roller coaster, as you of course know.